1 00:00:07,253 --> 00:00:09,403 Tale of Two Santas 2 00:00:32,413 --> 00:00:36,531 In true winter tradition, members of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club... 3 00:00:36,693 --> 00:00:40,527 ... today took the plunge into a river of liquid ammonia. 4 00:00:43,253 --> 00:00:48,168 -There were no survivors. -It takes all kinds. 5 00:00:48,333 --> 00:00:53,202 Now, with his annual message, here's the head of the Xmas Safety Council: 6 00:00:53,373 --> 00:00:57,844 -The head of Walter Cronkite. -Season 's warnings. 7 00:00:58,013 --> 00:01:00,732 This guy's too trustworthy. What's his angle? 8 00:01:00,893 --> 00:01:04,568 In all the tinsel and terror of the holiday season... 9 00:01:04,733 --> 00:01:10,205 ... we underestimate that murderous brute known as Santa Claus. 10 00:01:10,373 --> 00:01:15,811 With images of last year's Gingerbread Massacre baked into our memories... 11 00:01:15,973 --> 00:01:20,205 ...l remind you to bolt your doors, say goodbye to your pets... 12 00:01:20,373 --> 00:01:22,807 ...and lock your children in the closet. 13 00:01:22,973 --> 00:01:26,761 This is Walter Cronkite saying, "I told you so. " 14 00:01:30,413 --> 00:01:34,929 Sacred boar of Western Samoa! We must secure for Santa's arrival! 15 00:01:35,693 --> 00:01:38,526 Fine. I'm getting tired of this wood show. 16 00:01:41,013 --> 00:01:42,366 Cover that fireplace! 17 00:01:42,533 --> 00:01:46,685 I've only a few years to live. I don't want to spend them dead. 18 00:01:46,853 --> 00:01:51,210 -We're pushing as hard as we can. -Oh! Pushing. 19 00:01:53,373 --> 00:01:56,285 We're doomed. Every year we're doomed. 20 00:01:56,493 --> 00:02:00,327 Thanks be I had these bulletproof shutters installed. 21 00:02:04,893 --> 00:02:06,326 [SCREAMS] 22 00:02:09,413 --> 00:02:13,804 Bring it on, Santa. That vicious cadaver-junkie can't touch us. . . 23 00:02:13,973 --> 00:02:18,125 . . .as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building. 24 00:02:18,893 --> 00:02:22,772 In a related matter, you'll deliver this sack of letters. . . 25 00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:26,403 . . .directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune. 26 00:02:38,293 --> 00:02:42,525 These letters are real butt-nutters. Listen to this. "Dear Santa. . . . " 27 00:02:42,693 --> 00:02:45,651 GIRL: Please, please don 't bring me any gifts. 28 00:02:45,813 --> 00:02:50,523 The bicycle you fired at me last year from your bike gun tore up my insides. 29 00:02:50,693 --> 00:02:54,003 Awful! Let's read some more. "Dear Santa. . . . " 30 00:02:54,173 --> 00:02:56,607 BOY: Please bring me a coffin for Grandpa. 31 00:02:56,773 --> 00:03:02,882 You choked him with a chestnut last year, and he's beginning to smell. 32 00:03:05,013 --> 00:03:09,689 In my day, Xmas was supposed to bring people together, not blow them apart. 33 00:03:09,853 --> 00:03:13,926 Sure, but who's gonna do anything about it? Not us. No, sir. 34 00:03:14,093 --> 00:03:19,008 Yes, us. We've got to bring back the kind of Xmas I remember. 35 00:03:19,173 --> 00:03:23,371 Fry's right. It's time to sit on Santa's lap, and hard! 36 00:03:29,253 --> 00:03:30,447 [MACHINE GUN FIRES] 37 00:03:30,613 --> 00:03:32,729 [DOGS BARKING] 38 00:03:37,213 --> 00:03:40,728 Look, a cute little welcoming party. 39 00:03:42,693 --> 00:03:46,925 -Want to buy a tiny kidney? -I'll let you punch me for a buck. 40 00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:50,324 Look, we've got mail for Santa. Are you his elves? 41 00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:54,287 -No, we're Neptunians. -We're tiny because he won't feed us. 42 00:03:55,253 --> 00:03:57,369 You hit me. You owe me a dollar. 43 00:03:57,533 --> 00:03:59,171 [GROWLING] 44 00:03:59,333 --> 00:04:00,925 [GLASS BREAKING] 45 00:04:04,653 --> 00:04:08,885 Got any food? Old tea bags, chewed gum, apple cores? 46 00:04:09,053 --> 00:04:12,329 -We're starving here! -You live in a gingerbread house. 47 00:04:12,493 --> 00:04:18,045 -It's food or shelter, not both. -Don't you get paid for making toys? 48 00:04:18,213 --> 00:04:20,807 -Who said toys? NEPTUNIANS: Toys? 49 00:04:21,053 --> 00:04:22,281 False alarm, folks. 50 00:04:22,453 --> 00:04:26,002 There's no toys made. Santa says everyone is naughty. 51 00:04:28,213 --> 00:04:31,728 That's it! I'm delivering my boot up Santa's chimney. 52 00:04:31,893 --> 00:04:35,522 -Where is he? -There, in his ice fortress. 53 00:04:39,973 --> 00:04:43,283 We'll need help getting in. Any volunteers? 54 00:04:46,213 --> 00:04:48,966 -I'll help you. -Oh, phooey! 55 00:04:58,293 --> 00:05:01,524 [DOGS BARK "JINGLE BELLS"] 56 00:05:07,493 --> 00:05:10,007 -An omen? -Dinner. 57 00:05:13,653 --> 00:05:15,928 [SANTA LAUGHS] 58 00:05:16,133 --> 00:05:20,445 Let's see who's been naughty and who's been naughty. 59 00:05:20,933 --> 00:05:22,002 [MOANING] 60 00:05:22,173 --> 00:05:25,882 Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money. 61 00:05:26,053 --> 00:05:28,009 Very naughty. 62 00:05:28,733 --> 00:05:34,285 Shopkeepers not paying protection money. Exactly as naughty. 63 00:05:37,173 --> 00:05:38,572 I saw that! 64 00:05:38,733 --> 00:05:39,722 [WHEELS SQUEAKING] 65 00:05:39,893 --> 00:05:42,123 -Huh? -We brought your mail. 66 00:05:43,013 --> 00:05:44,571 Don't you ever knock? 67 00:05:44,733 --> 00:05:47,406 Who knows what naughty things I could be watching? 68 00:05:47,573 --> 00:05:51,805 -I get New Orleans on this thing. -Don't kill us! 69 00:05:52,933 --> 00:05:57,484 Santa's a robot. We should be able to destroy him with a logical paradox. 70 00:05:57,653 --> 00:06:01,089 Bender, you better cover your ears. 71 00:06:01,253 --> 00:06:04,643 Holy night! lntruders! 72 00:06:04,813 --> 00:06:06,769 Hold it, Santa. 73 00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:08,207 [HUMS] 74 00:06:08,373 --> 00:06:12,048 Consider this: You are programmed to destroy the naughty. 75 00:06:12,213 --> 00:06:15,250 But many of those you destroy are in fact nice. 76 00:06:15,413 --> 00:06:20,203 I submit that you are naughty. So, logically, you must destroy yourself. 77 00:06:20,853 --> 00:06:23,242 [BUZZING] 78 00:06:24,973 --> 00:06:26,565 -Yay! -Yay! 79 00:06:27,973 --> 00:06:33,605 Nice try, but my head was built with paradox-absorbing crumple zones. 80 00:06:33,813 --> 00:06:35,610 [SCREAMING] 81 00:06:39,213 --> 00:06:40,612 [LASER FIRES] 82 00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:47,608 [BEEPS] 83 00:06:55,013 --> 00:06:58,050 Wait! This is what we're running from. 84 00:07:02,373 --> 00:07:03,601 Faster! Faster! 85 00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:06,249 [YELLING] 86 00:07:24,173 --> 00:07:26,607 [ENGINE ROARS] 87 00:07:27,093 --> 00:07:29,687 -Why aren't we moving? -I don't know. 88 00:07:29,853 --> 00:07:32,845 Usually when I do stuff like this the ship moves. 89 00:07:36,133 --> 00:07:39,330 Ho, ho-- Huh? 90 00:07:43,533 --> 00:07:45,125 [GRUNTS] 91 00:07:47,653 --> 00:07:51,532 -He's trapped. -Hooray! 92 00:07:51,693 --> 00:07:56,289 -Now we can make toys again! -Toys! Toys! Toys! 93 00:07:56,453 --> 00:07:59,923 And I can deliver them. Billions and billions in one night. 94 00:08:00,093 --> 00:08:03,881 -No human could do all that. -Evel Knievel could. 95 00:08:04,053 --> 00:08:05,805 -Nuh-uh. -Santa's right. 96 00:08:05,973 --> 00:08:08,771 We need some sort of robot. 97 00:08:10,093 --> 00:08:12,323 Crap! I'm some sort of robot. 98 00:08:14,253 --> 00:08:15,572 NEPTUNIANS: Hooray! 99 00:08:15,733 --> 00:08:17,325 Hooray! 100 00:08:17,493 --> 00:08:19,643 Hooray! 101 00:08:23,813 --> 00:08:28,762 Bender can't be Santa. He wasn't built to Yuletide specifications. 102 00:08:28,933 --> 00:08:33,563 I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either, but that didn't stop me. 103 00:08:33,733 --> 00:08:37,009 -Bender! -Bow before your new Santa. 104 00:08:37,173 --> 00:08:38,925 Our hero! 105 00:08:39,413 --> 00:08:43,406 We are free and fairly sober With so many toys to build 106 00:08:43,573 --> 00:08:47,407 The machines are kind of tricky Probably someone will be killed 107 00:08:47,813 --> 00:08:49,565 But we gladly work for nothing 108 00:08:49,773 --> 00:08:54,085 Which is good Because we don 't intend to pay 109 00:08:54,693 --> 00:08:57,924 The elves are back to work today Hooray 110 00:09:00,013 --> 00:09:03,801 We havejust a couple hours To make several billion gifts 111 00:09:04,133 --> 00:09:08,172 -And the labor isn 't easy -Then you'll all work triple shifts 112 00:09:08,413 --> 00:09:14,329 You can make thejob go quicker lf you turn the controls to super speed 113 00:09:14,613 --> 00:09:17,844 -It's back to work on Xmas Eve -Hooray 114 00:09:18,333 --> 00:09:24,602 And though you're cold, sore and ugly Your pride will mask the pain 115 00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:31,042 -Let my happy smile warm your hearts -There's a toy lodged in my brain 116 00:09:31,333 --> 00:09:35,008 We are getting awfully tired And we can 't work any faster 117 00:09:35,173 --> 00:09:36,652 We're very, very sorry 118 00:09:36,813 --> 00:09:42,524 You selfish little bastards The kids will think Santa is a jerk 119 00:09:43,773 --> 00:09:46,845 Then shut your yaps and back to work 120 00:09:47,853 --> 00:09:51,562 Now it's very nearly Xmas And we've done the best we could 121 00:09:51,733 --> 00:09:54,611 -These are poorly painted -And made from inferior wood 122 00:09:54,853 --> 00:09:58,084 I should give you all a beating But I have to fly 123 00:09:58,333 --> 00:10:01,370 If I weren 't stuck here I'd harpoon you in the eye 124 00:10:01,533 --> 00:10:04,923 Now it's back to our tenements To drown ourselves in rye 125 00:10:05,133 --> 00:10:08,842 You did the best you could Some of these gorillas are okay 126 00:10:09,053 --> 00:10:10,372 -Hooray! -We're adequate! 127 00:10:10,573 --> 00:10:14,725 The elves have rescued Xmas Day Hooray 128 00:10:30,133 --> 00:10:33,091 IN STUPID VOICE: Gee, how are you gonna get through these bars? 129 00:10:33,253 --> 00:10:35,892 IN NORMAL VOICE: I don't know, moron. Suppose I bend them? 130 00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:37,486 IN STUPID VOICE: Okay. 131 00:10:39,173 --> 00:10:41,687 Mommy! Santa's through the perimeter! 132 00:10:41,893 --> 00:10:45,169 Kids, take your suicide pills so you won't suffer! 133 00:10:45,373 --> 00:10:50,322 No, wait! I'm the good Santa. I've got toys at reasonable prices. 134 00:10:50,573 --> 00:10:54,043 He's the father of all lies and the uncle of all tricks! 135 00:10:54,253 --> 00:10:57,370 -I've come bearing Tri-Ominos. -Go for the shins! 136 00:10:58,813 --> 00:11:00,405 Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! 137 00:11:03,733 --> 00:11:05,246 [GROANS] 138 00:11:05,413 --> 00:11:07,608 One down. . . . 139 00:11:13,053 --> 00:11:18,366 Well, hello there, handsome. Won't you have a cookie? 140 00:11:18,733 --> 00:11:21,201 Don't mind if I do. 141 00:11:21,373 --> 00:11:22,931 What's in these things? 142 00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:26,011 Why don't you slip into something more fiery? 143 00:11:26,173 --> 00:11:29,483 Ow! Whoa! 144 00:11:29,653 --> 00:11:31,723 Ow! Ah! Ah! 145 00:11:33,893 --> 00:11:35,929 Ooh. Ow. 146 00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:41,693 Yo, Kringle, what happened to you, dog? 147 00:11:41,973 --> 00:11:45,010 It's awful, Kwanza-Bot. Everyone hates me. 148 00:11:45,533 --> 00:11:49,765 At least they understand you. Nobody's down with this Kwanza tip. 149 00:11:49,973 --> 00:11:54,171 -Hey, maybe you can lend me a hand. -No time. 150 00:11:54,333 --> 00:11:56,688 I gotta hand out the Kwanza book. 151 00:11:59,413 --> 00:12:02,485 I've been giving these out for 647 years. 152 00:12:12,213 --> 00:12:16,206 Bathtub eggnog, just the way Grandma used to drink. 153 00:12:17,213 --> 00:12:22,367 -Ew! It went sour! -Can't I have a scented bath in peace? 154 00:12:22,573 --> 00:12:27,328 Remember, professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right? 155 00:12:27,493 --> 00:12:30,690 Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken MP3. 156 00:12:31,653 --> 00:12:32,881 Ho, ho-- 157 00:12:33,893 --> 00:12:36,965 Professor, don't you remember what I told you? 158 00:12:37,133 --> 00:12:38,691 No! 159 00:12:43,933 --> 00:12:46,242 There's gotta be a better way. 160 00:12:50,653 --> 00:12:54,282 Bender, you're a genius. 161 00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:58,361 This creates an unrealistic standard of beauty. 162 00:12:58,533 --> 00:13:02,765 Now it's time for Santa to screw open his present. 163 00:13:04,973 --> 00:13:07,203 It's Santa! We've got him cornered. 164 00:13:07,373 --> 00:13:12,208 -I smell a juicy promotion for me. -And a juicy rehiring for me. 165 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,646 Eh? Wha-- 166 00:13:20,653 --> 00:13:23,963 This Xmas Day session of court will come to order. 167 00:13:24,133 --> 00:13:27,443 Honorable Judge Whitey presiding. 168 00:13:27,653 --> 00:13:32,966 Santa, you stand accused of crimes against humanity. How do you plead? 169 00:13:33,173 --> 00:13:36,722 -Not Santa. -There he is again! 170 00:13:37,373 --> 00:13:42,242 Now, Pramala, I know it's scary in the witness box. 171 00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:44,729 But there ain't no need to fear me. 172 00:13:44,893 --> 00:13:46,292 [CLUCKS] 173 00:13:46,453 --> 00:13:49,206 I'm sorry. I thought you was corn. 174 00:13:49,373 --> 00:13:53,651 Now, would you please point at that robot over there? 175 00:13:53,853 --> 00:13:55,491 [WHISPERING EXCITEDLY] 176 00:13:55,733 --> 00:13:58,691 No further questions. 177 00:14:00,013 --> 00:14:01,241 [CHIRPING] 178 00:14:01,413 --> 00:14:02,892 Daddy done good, huh? 179 00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:09,481 -Haven't you been paid to testify? -You gave me a dollar and some candy. 180 00:14:09,773 --> 00:14:14,085 Yet you haven't said what I told you to say. How can we trust you? 181 00:14:16,373 --> 00:14:19,251 -Quit badgering the witness. -Badger? Where? 182 00:14:19,413 --> 00:14:20,971 [CLUCKS] 183 00:14:22,173 --> 00:14:27,167 Whereas I have a ham dinner waiting for me at my mansion. . . 184 00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:28,925 . . .I find the defendant guilty. 185 00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:30,122 [GASPING] 186 00:14:30,293 --> 00:14:35,811 Santa Claus, I hereby sentence you to be executed at sundown. 187 00:14:36,053 --> 00:14:37,042 [GROANS] 188 00:14:37,213 --> 00:14:41,411 It's not fair. I hope that dumb chicken is ashamed of himself. 189 00:14:41,613 --> 00:14:44,685 [CROWS] 190 00:14:50,293 --> 00:14:54,923 Deactivated robot walking! Deactivated robot walking here! 191 00:14:57,893 --> 00:15:02,444 Santa, when you see the robot devil, tell him I'm coming. 192 00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:06,166 -That guy said to tell you-- -I heard him. 193 00:15:15,933 --> 00:15:19,926 Greetings, masters. My companion and I made lots of toys. 194 00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:24,132 Out of my way. We're taking Santa to prove Bender's innocence. 195 00:15:28,453 --> 00:15:32,366 Do what you will, but we'll see who has the last ho. 196 00:15:32,573 --> 00:15:34,962 [GRUNTING] 197 00:15:35,733 --> 00:15:38,088 -There. -Oh, no! The ice is melting! 198 00:15:38,253 --> 00:15:41,484 The factory's pollution caused a greenhouse effect. 199 00:15:41,653 --> 00:15:44,486 -That would explain this heat. -And your shorts. 200 00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:46,843 Yeah, that would explain it. 201 00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:14,562 [SANTA GROANS] 202 00:16:20,253 --> 00:16:24,405 We've got to think of a way to save Bender, or Xmas will be ruined! 203 00:16:24,573 --> 00:16:26,450 Especially for Bender. 204 00:16:29,733 --> 00:16:35,285 Look out, Earth. I'm dreaming of a red Xmas. 205 00:16:35,533 --> 00:16:37,444 [SANTA LAUGHS] 206 00:16:43,893 --> 00:16:46,327 Good old Maggie. 207 00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:51,525 When I pull the switch, these electromagnets will tear you apart. 208 00:16:51,693 --> 00:16:56,403 -A most humane death. -But that doesn't sound humane! 209 00:16:56,613 --> 00:17:00,003 It is for the witnesses because it's not boring. 210 00:17:03,413 --> 00:17:07,691 When this random-number generator reaches zero, you'll be executed. 211 00:17:07,853 --> 00:17:09,445 Oh. 212 00:17:10,133 --> 00:17:15,127 "Ten. Three. Twelve. Three" again. 213 00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:17,370 -Stop the execution! -Leela! 214 00:17:17,533 --> 00:17:19,125 "Fifteen. Negative eight. " 215 00:17:19,293 --> 00:17:23,172 -I'll prove you've got the wrong Santa. -I'm Santa Claus! 216 00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:24,322 [GASPING] 217 00:17:24,533 --> 00:17:27,809 -What? "Twenty-seven. " -No, I'm Santa Claus. 218 00:17:28,013 --> 00:17:30,686 -"Six" ! -We're also Santa Claus. 219 00:17:30,893 --> 00:17:32,770 And I'm his friend, Jesus. 220 00:17:32,973 --> 00:17:36,727 If you execute him, you have to execute all of us. 221 00:17:36,933 --> 00:17:40,812 You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots. "Ninety-one. " 222 00:17:40,973 --> 00:17:45,728 How dare you lie in front of Jesus! Hey, "zero" ! 223 00:17:47,973 --> 00:17:49,406 No! Not the magnet! 224 00:17:50,213 --> 00:17:54,968 Swing lo w Sweet chariot 225 00:17:55,133 --> 00:17:58,523 Coming for to carry me home 226 00:17:58,813 --> 00:17:59,848 Swing low.... 227 00:18:00,053 --> 00:18:02,772 -This is horrible. -But it's not boring. 228 00:18:04,453 --> 00:18:06,728 SANTA: Ho, ho, ho. 229 00:18:12,173 --> 00:18:14,733 My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus! 230 00:18:14,973 --> 00:18:17,692 I help those who help themselves. 231 00:18:19,173 --> 00:18:22,290 Santa, you saved my life. Please don't kill me! 232 00:18:24,293 --> 00:18:29,492 I'm not here to kill you, Bender. I need you to help me save Xmas. 233 00:18:31,213 --> 00:18:35,445 Gee whiz, Santa, you want me to help you? 234 00:18:35,653 --> 00:18:39,646 -Don't do it! He's evil! -I know he is, but I have no choice. 235 00:18:39,813 --> 00:18:46,207 I'm late. If I don't complete my brutal rampage, it just wouldn't be Xmas. 236 00:18:46,373 --> 00:18:48,125 I guess what I'm asking is: 237 00:18:48,333 --> 00:18:52,212 Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight? 238 00:18:52,413 --> 00:18:55,689 Well, 'tis the season. 239 00:19:13,373 --> 00:19:15,204 [SCREAMING] 240 00:19:16,493 --> 00:19:19,053 -My hair! -My wedding cake! 241 00:19:20,013 --> 00:19:21,844 Let it snow! 242 00:19:23,933 --> 00:19:26,686 Merry Xmas, kids. 243 00:19:30,213 --> 00:19:31,328 [SCREAMS] 244 00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:38,166 This wangs chung. 245 00:19:38,373 --> 00:19:42,048 After all the good we tried to do, Xmas turned out rotten. 246 00:19:42,213 --> 00:19:43,566 -No heat. -No power. 247 00:19:43,733 --> 00:19:47,442 Huddled together in fear like lice in a burning wig. 248 00:19:47,653 --> 00:19:51,248 Maybe your futuristic Xmas isn't so rotten after all. 249 00:19:51,413 --> 00:19:54,610 What are you talking about? You said it yourself: 250 00:19:54,773 --> 00:19:58,368 Xmas should bring people together, not blow them apart. 251 00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:03,124 Don't you see? Fear has brought us together. That's the magic of Xmas. 252 00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:04,527 That's a big crock of-- 253 00:20:04,693 --> 00:20:05,921 [EXPLODING] 254 00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:07,691 Hold me! 255 00:20:14,853 --> 00:20:17,970 On, Trasher! On, Smasher! 256 00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:21,205 -Kwanza-Bot, where you off to? -Didn't you hear? 257 00:20:21,373 --> 00:20:24,763 Chanukah Zombie is having a luau. You coming? 258 00:20:24,973 --> 00:20:26,645 Word! 259 00:20:27,773 --> 00:20:33,609 Here's a small token of my appreciation for being Santa while I was trapped. 260 00:20:33,813 --> 00:20:35,963 Ooh-whoo-ooh-ooh. 261 00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:38,852 Chief, you screwed up. There's nothing here. 262 00:20:39,053 --> 00:20:42,568 Oh, it might appear empty but the message is clear: 263 00:20:42,733 --> 00:20:47,682 Play Santa again, and I'll kill you next year! 264 00:20:52,813 --> 00:20:57,170 Ho, ho, ho! 265 00:21:36,693 --> 00:21:37,682 Subtitles by SDI Media Group 266 00:21:37,853 --> 00:21:38,842 [ENGLISH SDH]