1
00:00:07,253 --> 00:00:09,403
Tale of Two Santas

2
00:00:32,413 --> 00:00:36,531
In true winter tradition, members
of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club...

3
00:00:36,693 --> 00:00:40,527
... today took the plunge
into a river of liquid ammonia.

4
00:00:43,253 --> 00:00:48,168
-There were no survivors.
-It takes all kinds.

5
00:00:48,333 --> 00:00:53,202
Now, with his annual message, here's
the head of the Xmas Safety Council:

6
00:00:53,373 --> 00:00:57,844
-The head of Walter Cronkite.
-Season 's warnings.

7
00:00:58,013 --> 00:01:00,732
This guy's too trustworthy.
What's his angle?

8
00:01:00,893 --> 00:01:04,568
In all the tinsel and terror
of the holiday season...

9
00:01:04,733 --> 00:01:10,205
... we underestimate that murderous
brute known as Santa Claus.

10
00:01:10,373 --> 00:01:15,811
With images of last year's Gingerbread
Massacre baked into our memories...

11
00:01:15,973 --> 00:01:20,205
...l remind you to bolt your doors,
say goodbye to your pets...

12
00:01:20,373 --> 00:01:22,807
...and lock your children
in the closet.

13
00:01:22,973 --> 00:01:26,761
This is Walter Cronkite saying,
"I told you so. "

14
00:01:30,413 --> 00:01:34,929
Sacred boar of Western Samoa!
We must secure for Santa's arrival!

15
00:01:35,693 --> 00:01:38,526
Fine. I'm getting tired
of this wood show.

16
00:01:41,013 --> 00:01:42,366
Cover that fireplace!

17
00:01:42,533 --> 00:01:46,685
I've only a few years to live.
I don't want to spend them dead.

18
00:01:46,853 --> 00:01:51,210
-We're pushing as hard as we can.
-Oh! Pushing.

19
00:01:53,373 --> 00:01:56,285
We're doomed.
Every year we're doomed.

20
00:01:56,493 --> 00:02:00,327
Thanks be I had these
bulletproof shutters installed.

21
00:02:04,893 --> 00:02:06,326
[SCREAMS]

22
00:02:09,413 --> 00:02:13,804
Bring it on, Santa. That vicious
cadaver-junkie can't touch us. . .

23
00:02:13,973 --> 00:02:18,125
. . .as long as we're not stupid enough
to leave this building.

24
00:02:18,893 --> 00:02:22,772
In a related matter,
you'll deliver this sack of letters. . .

25
00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:26,403
. . .directly to Santa
at his death fortress on Neptune.

26
00:02:38,293 --> 00:02:42,525
These letters are real butt-nutters.
Listen to this. "Dear Santa. . . . "

27
00:02:42,693 --> 00:02:45,651
GIRL: Please, please don 't bring me
any gifts.

28
00:02:45,813 --> 00:02:50,523
The bicycle you fired at me last year
from your bike gun tore up my insides.

29
00:02:50,693 --> 00:02:54,003
Awful! Let's read some more.
"Dear Santa. . . . "

30
00:02:54,173 --> 00:02:56,607
BOY: Please bring me a coffin for Grandpa.

31
00:02:56,773 --> 00:03:02,882
You choked him with a chestnut last
year, and he's beginning to smell.

32
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In my day, Xmas was supposed to bring
people together, not blow them apart.

33
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Sure, but who's gonna do anything
about it? Not us. No, sir.

34
00:03:14,093 --> 00:03:19,008
Yes, us. We've got to bring back
the kind of Xmas I remember.

35
00:03:19,173 --> 00:03:23,371
Fry's right. It's time
to sit on Santa's lap, and hard!

36
00:03:29,253 --> 00:03:30,447
[MACHINE GUN FIRES]

37
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[DOGS BARKING]

38
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Look, a cute little welcoming party.

39
00:03:42,693 --> 00:03:46,925
-Want to buy a tiny kidney?
-I'll let you punch me for a buck.

40
00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:50,324
Look, we've got mail for Santa.
Are you his elves?

41
00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:54,287
-No, we're Neptunians.
-We're tiny because he won't feed us.

42
00:03:55,253 --> 00:03:57,369
You hit me. You owe me a dollar.

43
00:03:57,533 --> 00:03:59,171
[GROWLING]

44
00:03:59,333 --> 00:04:00,925
[GLASS BREAKING]

45
00:04:04,653 --> 00:04:08,885
Got any food? Old tea bags,
chewed gum, apple cores?

46
00:04:09,053 --> 00:04:12,329
-We're starving here!
-You live in a gingerbread house.

47
00:04:12,493 --> 00:04:18,045
-It's food or shelter, not both.
-Don't you get paid for making toys?

48
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-Who said toys?
NEPTUNIANS: Toys?

49
00:04:21,053 --> 00:04:22,281
False alarm, folks.

50
00:04:22,453 --> 00:04:26,002
There's no toys made.
Santa says everyone is naughty.

51
00:04:28,213 --> 00:04:31,728
That's it! I'm delivering my boot
up Santa's chimney.

52
00:04:31,893 --> 00:04:35,522
-Where is he?
-There, in his ice fortress.

53
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We'll need help getting in.
Any volunteers?

54
00:04:46,213 --> 00:04:48,966
-I'll help you.
-Oh, phooey!

55
00:04:58,293 --> 00:05:01,524
[DOGS BARK "JINGLE BELLS"]

56
00:05:07,493 --> 00:05:10,007
-An omen?
-Dinner.

57
00:05:13,653 --> 00:05:15,928
[SANTA LAUGHS]

58
00:05:16,133 --> 00:05:20,445
Let's see who's been naughty
and who's been naughty.

59
00:05:20,933 --> 00:05:22,002
[MOANING]

60
00:05:22,173 --> 00:05:25,882
Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper
for protection money.

61
00:05:26,053 --> 00:05:28,009
Very naughty.

62
00:05:28,733 --> 00:05:34,285
Shopkeepers not paying protection
money. Exactly as naughty.

63
00:05:37,173 --> 00:05:38,572
I saw that!

64
00:05:38,733 --> 00:05:39,722
[WHEELS SQUEAKING]

65
00:05:39,893 --> 00:05:42,123
-Huh?
-We brought your mail.

66
00:05:43,013 --> 00:05:44,571
Don't you ever knock?

67
00:05:44,733 --> 00:05:47,406
Who knows what naughty things
I could be watching?

68
00:05:47,573 --> 00:05:51,805
-I get New Orleans on this thing.
-Don't kill us!

69
00:05:52,933 --> 00:05:57,484
Santa's a robot. We should be able
to destroy him with a logical paradox.

70
00:05:57,653 --> 00:06:01,089
Bender, you better cover your ears.

71
00:06:01,253 --> 00:06:04,643
Holy night! lntruders!

72
00:06:04,813 --> 00:06:06,769
Hold it, Santa.

73
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:08,207
[HUMS]

74
00:06:08,373 --> 00:06:12,048
Consider this: You are programmed
to destroy the naughty.

75
00:06:12,213 --> 00:06:15,250
But many of those you destroy
are in fact nice.

76
00:06:15,413 --> 00:06:20,203
I submit that you are naughty. So,
logically, you must destroy yourself.

77
00:06:20,853 --> 00:06:23,242
[BUZZING]

78
00:06:24,973 --> 00:06:26,565
-Yay!
-Yay!

79
00:06:27,973 --> 00:06:33,605
Nice try, but my head was built with
paradox-absorbing crumple zones.

80
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[SCREAMING]

81
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[LASER FIRES]

82
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[BEEPS]

83
00:06:55,013 --> 00:06:58,050
Wait! This is what we're running from.

84
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Faster! Faster!

85
00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:06,249
[YELLING]

86
00:07:24,173 --> 00:07:26,607
[ENGINE ROARS]

87
00:07:27,093 --> 00:07:29,687
-Why aren't we moving?
-I don't know.

88
00:07:29,853 --> 00:07:32,845
Usually when I do stuff like this
the ship moves.

89
00:07:36,133 --> 00:07:39,330
Ho, ho-- Huh?

90
00:07:43,533 --> 00:07:45,125
[GRUNTS]

91
00:07:47,653 --> 00:07:51,532
-He's trapped.
-Hooray!

92
00:07:51,693 --> 00:07:56,289
-Now we can make toys again!
-Toys! Toys! Toys!

93
00:07:56,453 --> 00:07:59,923
And I can deliver them.
Billions and billions in one night.

94
00:08:00,093 --> 00:08:03,881
-No human could do all that.
-Evel Knievel could.

95
00:08:04,053 --> 00:08:05,805
-Nuh-uh.
-Santa's right.

96
00:08:05,973 --> 00:08:08,771
We need some sort of robot.

97
00:08:10,093 --> 00:08:12,323
Crap! I'm some sort of robot.

98
00:08:14,253 --> 00:08:15,572
NEPTUNIANS:
Hooray!

99
00:08:15,733 --> 00:08:17,325
Hooray!

100
00:08:17,493 --> 00:08:19,643
Hooray!

101
00:08:23,813 --> 00:08:28,762
Bender can't be Santa. He wasn't
built to Yuletide specifications.

102
00:08:28,933 --> 00:08:33,563
I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse
either, but that didn't stop me.

103
00:08:33,733 --> 00:08:37,009
-Bender!
-Bow before your new Santa.

104
00:08:37,173 --> 00:08:38,925
Our hero!

105
00:08:39,413 --> 00:08:43,406
We are free and fairly sober
With so many toys to build

106
00:08:43,573 --> 00:08:47,407
The machines are kind of tricky
Probably someone will be killed

107
00:08:47,813 --> 00:08:49,565
But we gladly work for nothing

108
00:08:49,773 --> 00:08:54,085
Which is good
Because we don 't intend to pay

109
00:08:54,693 --> 00:08:57,924
The elves are back to work today
Hooray

110
00:09:00,013 --> 00:09:03,801
We havejust a couple hours
To make several billion gifts

111
00:09:04,133 --> 00:09:08,172
-And the labor isn 't easy
-Then you'll all work triple shifts

112
00:09:08,413 --> 00:09:14,329
You can make thejob go quicker
lf you turn the controls to super speed

113
00:09:14,613 --> 00:09:17,844
-It's back to work on Xmas Eve
-Hooray

114
00:09:18,333 --> 00:09:24,602
And though you're cold, sore and ugly
Your pride will mask the pain

115
00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:31,042
-Let my happy smile warm your hearts
-There's a toy lodged in my brain

116
00:09:31,333 --> 00:09:35,008
We are getting awfully tired
And we can 't work any faster

117
00:09:35,173 --> 00:09:36,652
We're very, very sorry

118
00:09:36,813 --> 00:09:42,524
You selfish little bastards
The kids will think Santa is a jerk

119
00:09:43,773 --> 00:09:46,845
Then shut your yaps and back to work

120
00:09:47,853 --> 00:09:51,562
Now it's very nearly Xmas
And we've done the best we could

121
00:09:51,733 --> 00:09:54,611
-These are poorly painted
-And made from inferior wood

122
00:09:54,853 --> 00:09:58,084
I should give you all a beating
But I have to fly

123
00:09:58,333 --> 00:10:01,370
If I weren 't stuck here
I'd harpoon you in the eye

124
00:10:01,533 --> 00:10:04,923
Now it's back to our tenements
To drown ourselves in rye

125
00:10:05,133 --> 00:10:08,842
You did the best you could
Some of these gorillas are okay

126
00:10:09,053 --> 00:10:10,372
-Hooray!
-We're adequate!

127
00:10:10,573 --> 00:10:14,725
The elves have rescued Xmas Day
Hooray

128
00:10:30,133 --> 00:10:33,091
IN STUPID VOICE: Gee, how are you
gonna get through these bars?

129
00:10:33,253 --> 00:10:35,892
IN NORMAL VOICE: I don't know, moron.
Suppose I bend them?

130
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:37,486
IN STUPID VOICE:
Okay.

131
00:10:39,173 --> 00:10:41,687
Mommy! Santa's through the perimeter!

132
00:10:41,893 --> 00:10:45,169
Kids, take your suicide pills
so you won't suffer!

133
00:10:45,373 --> 00:10:50,322
No, wait! I'm the good Santa.
I've got toys at reasonable prices.

134
00:10:50,573 --> 00:10:54,043
He's the father of all lies
and the uncle of all tricks!

135
00:10:54,253 --> 00:10:57,370
-I've come bearing Tri-Ominos.
-Go for the shins!

136
00:10:58,813 --> 00:11:00,405
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

137
00:11:03,733 --> 00:11:05,246
[GROANS]

138
00:11:05,413 --> 00:11:07,608
One down. . . .

139
00:11:13,053 --> 00:11:18,366
Well, hello there, handsome.
Won't you have a cookie?

140
00:11:18,733 --> 00:11:21,201
Don't mind if I do.

141
00:11:21,373 --> 00:11:22,931
What's in these things?

142
00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:26,011
Why don't you slip into something
more fiery?

143
00:11:26,173 --> 00:11:29,483
Ow! Whoa!

144
00:11:29,653 --> 00:11:31,723
Ow! Ah! Ah!

145
00:11:33,893 --> 00:11:35,929
Ooh. Ow.

146
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:41,693
Yo, Kringle,
what happened to you, dog?

147
00:11:41,973 --> 00:11:45,010
It's awful, Kwanza-Bot.
Everyone hates me.

148
00:11:45,533 --> 00:11:49,765
At least they understand you.
Nobody's down with this Kwanza tip.

149
00:11:49,973 --> 00:11:54,171
-Hey, maybe you can lend me a hand.
-No time.

150
00:11:54,333 --> 00:11:56,688
I gotta hand out the Kwanza book.

151
00:11:59,413 --> 00:12:02,485
I've been giving these out
for 647 years.

152
00:12:12,213 --> 00:12:16,206
Bathtub eggnog,
just the way Grandma used to drink.

153
00:12:17,213 --> 00:12:22,367
-Ew! It went sour!
-Can't I have a scented bath in peace?

154
00:12:22,573 --> 00:12:27,328
Remember, professor, Bender is Santa.
So we don't need to hurt him, right?

155
00:12:27,493 --> 00:12:30,690
Yes, yes, yes.
You sound like a broken MP3.

156
00:12:31,653 --> 00:12:32,881
Ho, ho--

157
00:12:33,893 --> 00:12:36,965
Professor, don't you remember
what I told you?

158
00:12:37,133 --> 00:12:38,691
No!

159
00:12:43,933 --> 00:12:46,242
There's gotta be a better way.

160
00:12:50,653 --> 00:12:54,282
Bender, you're a genius.

161
00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:58,361
This creates
an unrealistic standard of beauty.

162
00:12:58,533 --> 00:13:02,765
Now it's time for Santa
to screw open his present.

163
00:13:04,973 --> 00:13:07,203
It's Santa!
We've got him cornered.

164
00:13:07,373 --> 00:13:12,208
-I smell a juicy promotion for me.
-And a juicy rehiring for me.

165
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,646
Eh? Wha--

166
00:13:20,653 --> 00:13:23,963
This Xmas Day session of court
will come to order.

167
00:13:24,133 --> 00:13:27,443
Honorable Judge Whitey presiding.

168
00:13:27,653 --> 00:13:32,966
Santa, you stand accused of crimes
against humanity. How do you plead?

169
00:13:33,173 --> 00:13:36,722
-Not Santa.
-There he is again!

170
00:13:37,373 --> 00:13:42,242
Now, Pramala, I know it's scary
in the witness box.

171
00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:44,729
But there ain't no need to fear me.

172
00:13:44,893 --> 00:13:46,292
[CLUCKS]

173
00:13:46,453 --> 00:13:49,206
I'm sorry. I thought you was corn.

174
00:13:49,373 --> 00:13:53,651
Now, would you please point
at that robot over there?

175
00:13:53,853 --> 00:13:55,491
[WHISPERING EXCITEDLY]

176
00:13:55,733 --> 00:13:58,691
No further questions.

177
00:14:00,013 --> 00:14:01,241
[CHIRPING]

178
00:14:01,413 --> 00:14:02,892
Daddy done good, huh?

179
00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:09,481
-Haven't you been paid to testify?
-You gave me a dollar and some candy.

180
00:14:09,773 --> 00:14:14,085
Yet you haven't said what I told you
to say. How can we trust you?

181
00:14:16,373 --> 00:14:19,251
-Quit badgering the witness.
-Badger? Where?

182
00:14:19,413 --> 00:14:20,971
[CLUCKS]

183
00:14:22,173 --> 00:14:27,167
Whereas I have a ham dinner
waiting for me at my mansion. . .

184
00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:28,925
. . .I find the defendant guilty.

185
00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:30,122
[GASPING]

186
00:14:30,293 --> 00:14:35,811
Santa Claus, I hereby sentence you
to be executed at sundown.

187
00:14:36,053 --> 00:14:37,042
[GROANS]

188
00:14:37,213 --> 00:14:41,411
It's not fair. I hope that
dumb chicken is ashamed of himself.

189
00:14:41,613 --> 00:14:44,685
[CROWS]

190
00:14:50,293 --> 00:14:54,923
Deactivated robot walking!
Deactivated robot walking here!

191
00:14:57,893 --> 00:15:02,444
Santa, when you see the robot devil,
tell him I'm coming.

192
00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:06,166
-That guy said to tell you--
-I heard him.

193
00:15:15,933 --> 00:15:19,926
Greetings, masters.
My companion and I made lots of toys.

194
00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:24,132
Out of my way. We're taking Santa
to prove Bender's innocence.

195
00:15:28,453 --> 00:15:32,366
Do what you will, but we'll see
who has the last ho.

196
00:15:32,573 --> 00:15:34,962
[GRUNTING]

197
00:15:35,733 --> 00:15:38,088
-There.
-Oh, no! The ice is melting!

198
00:15:38,253 --> 00:15:41,484
The factory's pollution
caused a greenhouse effect.

199
00:15:41,653 --> 00:15:44,486
-That would explain this heat.
-And your shorts.

200
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:46,843
Yeah, that would explain it.

201
00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:14,562
[SANTA GROANS]

202
00:16:20,253 --> 00:16:24,405
We've got to think of a way to save
Bender, or Xmas will be ruined!

203
00:16:24,573 --> 00:16:26,450
Especially for Bender.

204
00:16:29,733 --> 00:16:35,285
Look out, Earth.
I'm dreaming of a red Xmas.

205
00:16:35,533 --> 00:16:37,444
[SANTA LAUGHS]

206
00:16:43,893 --> 00:16:46,327
Good old Maggie.

207
00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:51,525
When I pull the switch, these
electromagnets will tear you apart.

208
00:16:51,693 --> 00:16:56,403
-A most humane death.
-But that doesn't sound humane!

209
00:16:56,613 --> 00:17:00,003
It is for the witnesses
because it's not boring.

210
00:17:03,413 --> 00:17:07,691
When this random-number generator
reaches zero, you'll be executed.

211
00:17:07,853 --> 00:17:09,445
Oh.

212
00:17:10,133 --> 00:17:15,127
"Ten. Three. Twelve. Three" again.

213
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:17,370
-Stop the execution!
-Leela!

214
00:17:17,533 --> 00:17:19,125
"Fifteen. Negative eight. "

215
00:17:19,293 --> 00:17:23,172
-I'll prove you've got the wrong Santa.
-I'm Santa Claus!

216
00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:24,322
[GASPING]

217
00:17:24,533 --> 00:17:27,809
-What? "Twenty-seven. "
-No, I'm Santa Claus.

218
00:17:28,013 --> 00:17:30,686
-"Six" !
-We're also Santa Claus.

219
00:17:30,893 --> 00:17:32,770
And I'm his friend, Jesus.

220
00:17:32,973 --> 00:17:36,727
If you execute him,
you have to execute all of us.

221
00:17:36,933 --> 00:17:40,812
You people aren't Santa.
You're not even robots. "Ninety-one. "

222
00:17:40,973 --> 00:17:45,728
How dare you lie in front of Jesus!
Hey, "zero" !

223
00:17:47,973 --> 00:17:49,406
No! Not the magnet!

224
00:17:50,213 --> 00:17:54,968
Swing lo w
Sweet chariot

225
00:17:55,133 --> 00:17:58,523
Coming for to carry me home

226
00:17:58,813 --> 00:17:59,848
Swing low....

227
00:18:00,053 --> 00:18:02,772
-This is horrible.
-But it's not boring.

228
00:18:04,453 --> 00:18:06,728
SANTA:
Ho, ho, ho.

229
00:18:12,173 --> 00:18:14,733
My God! The real Santa!
Get him, Jesus!

230
00:18:14,973 --> 00:18:17,692
I help those who help themselves.

231
00:18:19,173 --> 00:18:22,290
Santa, you saved my life.
Please don't kill me!

232
00:18:24,293 --> 00:18:29,492
I'm not here to kill you, Bender.
I need you to help me save Xmas.

233
00:18:31,213 --> 00:18:35,445
Gee whiz, Santa,
you want me to help you?

234
00:18:35,653 --> 00:18:39,646
-Don't do it! He's evil!
-I know he is, but I have no choice.

235
00:18:39,813 --> 00:18:46,207
I'm late. If I don't complete my brutal
rampage, it just wouldn't be Xmas.

236
00:18:46,373 --> 00:18:48,125
I guess what I'm asking is:

237
00:18:48,333 --> 00:18:52,212
Bender, won't you join
my slaying tonight?

238
00:18:52,413 --> 00:18:55,689
Well, 'tis the season.

239
00:19:13,373 --> 00:19:15,204
[SCREAMING]

240
00:19:16,493 --> 00:19:19,053
-My hair!
-My wedding cake!

241
00:19:20,013 --> 00:19:21,844
Let it snow!

242
00:19:23,933 --> 00:19:26,686
Merry Xmas, kids.

243
00:19:30,213 --> 00:19:31,328
[SCREAMS]

244
00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:38,166
This wangs chung.

245
00:19:38,373 --> 00:19:42,048
After all the good we tried to do,
Xmas turned out rotten.

246
00:19:42,213 --> 00:19:43,566
-No heat.
-No power.

247
00:19:43,733 --> 00:19:47,442
Huddled together in fear
like lice in a burning wig.

248
00:19:47,653 --> 00:19:51,248
Maybe your futuristic Xmas
isn't so rotten after all.

249
00:19:51,413 --> 00:19:54,610
What are you talking about?
You said it yourself:

250
00:19:54,773 --> 00:19:58,368
Xmas should bring people together,
not blow them apart.

251
00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:03,124
Don't you see? Fear has brought us
together. That's the magic of Xmas.

252
00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:04,527
That's a big crock of--

253
00:20:04,693 --> 00:20:05,921
[EXPLODING]

254
00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:07,691
Hold me!

255
00:20:14,853 --> 00:20:17,970
On, Trasher! On, Smasher!

256
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:21,205
-Kwanza-Bot, where you off to?
-Didn't you hear?

257
00:20:21,373 --> 00:20:24,763
Chanukah Zombie is having a luau.
You coming?

258
00:20:24,973 --> 00:20:26,645
Word!

259
00:20:27,773 --> 00:20:33,609
Here's a small token of my appreciation
for being Santa while I was trapped.

260
00:20:33,813 --> 00:20:35,963
Ooh-whoo-ooh-ooh.

261
00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:38,852
Chief, you screwed up.
There's nothing here.

262
00:20:39,053 --> 00:20:42,568
Oh, it might appear empty
but the message is clear:

263
00:20:42,733 --> 00:20:47,682
Play Santa again,
and I'll kill you next year!

264
00:20:52,813 --> 00:20:57,170
Ho, ho, ho!

265
00:21:36,693 --> 00:21:37,682
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group

266
00:21:37,853 --> 00:21:38,842
[ENGLISH SDH]